Withdrawing

While I have written a more longer exploration of the moments that clarified my decision to withdraw from the candidacy process here, I wanted to share the full text of my letter to the chair of my District Committee on Ministry, requesting to withdraw. As I say in the letter, it is my hope that sharing my experience will ultimately help other young clergy as they navigate the ordination process and the beginning of their set-apart ministry.

To the Reverend Kirk Hatherly,

I am writing with mixed emotions, but a deep sense of liberation, to request to withdraw my candidacy for ordained ministry in the United Methodist denomination. I would like to thank the leadership of St. Luke’s UMC in Hickory, NC, the Catawba Valley and Smoky Mountain District Committees on Ministry, the Reverends Wayne Dickert, Eric Reece, Beverly Parker-Reece, Linda Kelly, John Ferree, Dr. Sue Shorb-Sterling, Nancy Dixon Walton, Dr. Mary Kay Totty, and Randy Lucas, and many, many others who supported me during my candidacy and throughout my discernment process.

While I mourn the future that may have been, I am confirmed in my decision. To say that my time serving as a licensed local pastor was challenging is an understatement; as most if not all pastors will attest, the past two years have been some of the most difficult for those trying to lead and care for a congregation, especially as a pastor holding profoundly different views than her congregation. The COVID-19 pandemic, coming on the heels of our denominational turmoil, compounded the tension between people of different political affiliations, making my commitment to working for racial justice and reconciliation a flash point. I was harassed and threatened by members of the community and verbally berated by members of the congregation, on top of the misogyny, mild sexual harassment, and biphobia that I had expected to endure, and, indeed, had already endured at my pastoral internship during seminary. This reignited older spiritual wounds, some rooted in the theology of the purity movement and some born out of other toxic ideas I had imbibed during my younger years in the church, wounds that I am still working to heal today. Despite the genuine love and support I had during my time in ministry and the profound privilege and joy I had during times of real connection with those whom I was serving, I cannot endure another appointment in a setting like that.  

The truth is that the way we live out our understanding of ministry and ordination in the United Methodist denomination, through the fault of no single individual, often hurts those it intends to nurture. Not only are young clergy in particular often placed in struggling churches whose understanding of what a faithful life looks like is at odds with their own, we are also hemmed in and isolated by the expectations of ministry. More than that, we continuously encounter the idea that our only option is to continue in ministry. Whether intended or not, every ordination service I’ve attended, every discernment conversation I’ve had, and every step of the ordination process I’ve experienced has, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, reinforced the idea that the only successful outcome of discipleship in the United Methodist denomination is full ordination as an elder. Because of this, my inability to succeed as a pastor left me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually shipwrecked. Who am I to God if I’m not a pastor? Am I outside of God’s plan for my life? Has God abandoned me because I abandoned ministry? My faith has been wrapped up in United Methodism and in the ordination process for so long that I don’t know who I am without it, and must step outside of the process to have any hope of rebuilding.

Though I don’t know what’s next for me, I do know, at least on an academic level, that God’s call for me can, and at this moment, must, find fulfillment outside of set-apart ministry in the United Methodist denomination. Many saw gifts for ministry in me and I am thankful for their affirmation, but the gifts of teaching, preaching, discernment, contemplation, administration, offering an abiding presence, and the ability to mentor others are not limited to the clergy. I thank God for the sometimes overwhelming work of the Spirit in my life, but the Spirit moves among the laity, too. I am profoundly grateful for all that I learned from my professors in seminary and for the enduring relationships I found there, but theological education shouldn’t be reserved for those embarking on a lifetime of ordained ministry. I know that my soul will always answer the call of Jesus of Nazareth, but discipleship is not a pipeline that ends in ordination.

I share these reflections on my journey not with the intention to explain my decision in full, but in the hope that others may benefit by my naming my struggles. I know that I’m not alone in experiencing the frustration, exhaustion, and loneliness that comes with many first appointments and I know, too, that I am not alone in being deeply challenged by generational and cultural divides between churches and pastors. While I cannot offer a holistic solution, knowing that the work of generating such a solution would take much effort, many minds, and likely a fundamental reimagining of our ecclesiology, I can say that better pay, financial support for spiritual direction and therapy, preparation for congregations receiving a young pastor, and intentional mentoring and connection with other local young clergy on the part of the district would help. Even if resources and connections like these are offered, we often have to strive to get access them. I was lucky to have the support that I did. I pray that my voice will aid in helping others get what they need.

Thank you, again, for the time you dedicate to our district, our conference, and our denomination, and for hearing my request. May God continue the good work begun here.

Best wishes,

Jo Schonewolf
November 29th, 2021